Everybody gets down

First off just saying I can't tell everything on this blog, I know it sometimes seems like i spill my guts but it only covers at most 20% of whats going through my head/my life, no guts spilling at all.

I think some of my family read this so I have to bare that in mind

Ive had massive trouble sleeping lately, ive always been a bad sleeper and its been a constant issue in my life, but right now its a very very bad, possibly the worst its been, Im lay there for hours at the moment just thinking and thinking, stressing and anxious, I thought I might do a post here to see if it helps, maybe my head will clear a little

Everything is still on schedule, all my plans are in tact, ive done what I set out to do, there is no chance of me ever degening on blackjack again, ive found out I had more will power than I thought. Its not extremely strong yet, but its not on the floor where I left it.

For a long time I wanted everything so fast, its counter-productive of course and the only direction you go at any pace is backwards.

Every year I say the same thing, im more wise, im gradually understanding myself better. I dont particularly like who I am, although I like who I am really, who am I to me and how I see myself, I wouldnt swap places with anyone, I dont think many people would swap who they are either.

I just dont like the way I conduct myself I guess, my vocabulary is pretty limited because ive been out of education since I was 16 so I cant always use the best words to make my point! Illustrate my point! better

I think there is a lot of different me's floating about my head, not because I think im so deep and complex, I think everyone has it the same.. I just think the confident people, the assured people and basically happiest are the ones who are so sure of who they are, they dont think about it, they dont doubt themselves. I see confident people and im like how do they do that?

If youre a shy guy with girls, its bizzare to see a really confident guy and the way he talks with no self doubt, no real care and no fear of rejection, thats another word to throw in there, the confident people just dont have real fears either.

I dont think you can grow confidence too much, maybe I dont know what im talking about.

I figure if youre shy, you are shy, you can change it to an extent, but wont that self doubt always be there, isnt it all natural instinct

Im shy a lot of the time but not all of the time, I have this blog for one, but im self conscious about people reading it for sure, im constantly thinking about how I come accross, I definitely do it for the attention and I want people to know im successful.

I think my ultimate dreams are impossible, just not possible now, at all, thats a bit sad, because I still have the same dreams but I cant reach them.

This isnt backtracking on all the progress ive made, not at all. Ive actually pulled it out of the bag and sorted my life out, I have a personal trainer ffs! And I dont eat chocolate! I had one packet of crisp on christmas day and realised this isnt for me! Thats progress

Im always a little inclined to sadness, I think I almost enjoy it in a way, its all a bit fucked up. On the whole im in a very good place, one thing I love at the moment is time spent with my family, its great how you get older and realise how important family is, my sister once said to me at the end of a sentence, in no great conviction, surround yourself with people who love you.. its always stuck with me that, I keep thinking about it and thats why we all come to realise how family is almost everything.

Im feeling a little lonely I guess, but I think everyone does at some point

Ive never been in love with a girl and im almost 25, I think this contributes, ive told girls I loved them but never meant it, I never felt it.

Thats something to look forward to and I always make a point of takind advice from people older than me, with life experience that I just dont have. Experience is everything in everything.

Thats one thing they say, meeting a good woman changes everything.

I suppose its just how natural it is.

Going to try and sleep.