Why set the stupid and unachievable targets? I don't intend to diss, but you ain't gonna hit 1.5m hands. Why set yourself up for a fall? It seems more logical to kick-back to 750k - 1M hands and enjoy it rather than pushing to burn-out - which it seems was 2009's problem. I guess it's just greed, always wanting more. You may get it, but it won't make you happy - you'll just want more. I just read Clarky's recent posts; here's a guy earning a fortune and he sounds as miserable as anyone I know, and dare I say it - as boring and self-absorbed as anyone I know. Your constant plan-making is a symptom of the same thing . . . self-absorbed and burning out rapidly. Turn it around before you implode.
of course clarkys posts have been self absorbed, of course mine are, it is our poker blog, about ourselves and our poker results, what else do you expect?
Im not a big poker buff, i dont rail the big games, i hardly watch poker on tv and in real life i love not to talk about poker especially to people who dont play it for a living. So im sorry if this is self absorbed because i know it really is, but im not pretending its any different.
Regarding stupid targets, aside from the hand targets surely you would agree thats 5 very achievable targets? Maybe 1 out of 6, just 1 is a bit asking
The thing is, i played close to 1.5 million hands in 2008
1.5 million hands is 1 700 hours to me at an average of my usual 12-16 tableing hand/hour rate
That means i would have to put 141 hours in each month
thats 35 hours a week on average, less than the average working week
Whilst many people spend more hours studying watching videos and going over hands i dont hardly do any of this so nearly all my hours are focused on playing so i can get more hand volume.
And yeah i did burn out last year but i dont know if you can call it that because my slide was due to poor mental conditions and bad habits which i really need to get out of, ive shown in 2008 i can grind month on month if the ambition is there and im not complacent
fwiw clarky is a funny guy who looks like he has a good time
i might not be happy and i might always want more, but tbh mate i would be miserable no matter what i was doing, but probably less miserable doing this, some people are just like that.
Hi Goatian, yeh - I said I don't intend to diss, but it does come across that way - you have my apologies for that, i didn't intend it.
Our in-the-bank salaries are similar, I take approx £85-90k after tax but my hours are up towards 50 plus travelling so as you rightly say, well in excess of yours. But they vary considerably in intensity whereas multi-tabling is full-on intensity (I usually go with 6, but I'm no grinder - more a hobbyist). I'd put my full-flow time at work, head down isolated with my ipod at about 2-3 hours a day, the rest is out-of-flow time but still with awareness. 1700 hrs full-flow would leave a seriously bad impact on anyone, even an early twenty-something. As you begin to slide, stress of missed targets will amplify that impact in a vicious circle.
I read poker far more than I play, and watch vids etc. I guess I can afford this since I don't make a living from it. That's personal, you seem to do just fine without the study.
Clarky is indeed a nice guy, and like you, humble about what is quite a special and lucrative situation. Perhaps yeh, the blog thing skews perception.
Both your blogs though show this constant craving and constant allusion to failure - but only failure compared to self-imposed targets. You both seem to want to prove something - more to yourself than anyone else.
Burn out does seem to be THE issue. You may have hit those hands in 2008, but 2009 was pay-back - without bonuses, you didn't do too well. A heavy night out is gonna leave you with a bad head and that's the point I was, and am trying to make.
Your final sentence is more worrying. To do what you do takes a lot, you're clearly no duck egg, clearly highly motivated, razor sharp, expressive and literate. So, why the misery !
If the only thing you achieve is never having to work for someone else, regardless of what you do, you have achieved something 99.9% of the populate dream about but don't have the circumstances or balls to do anything about. Someone has got to do the mundane stuff but it doesn't have to be you. I don't know too many people who love their job. Most don't necessarily hate the work, it's the people they have to work with / for. The loss of dignity, taking crap from morons, travelling to places that suck, the constant fear of losing their living, working unpaid hours because it's expected, managers who have clearly reached their level of incompetence, sublimating energy into pointless 'hobbies'. Some call it death by a thousand cuts.
I am nearing the end of more than 10 years grinding in a 'real' job, spending 1/3d of the year in hotels and travelling all over the shop (not a glam life). Good money by most peoples standards (I won't publicise the figure...). But after a while it's meaningless when it affects your quality of life.
I know you've probably thought this all through, but you're still a young guy, poker won't necessarily be your life's work but it can set you on the road to freedom. Even if you don't make a million you can have a very nice life without the worries and relative poverty that most accept.
lespaul i did think it wasnt meant as a dis, just that you were putting your point accross and not holding back which is fine, no need to apoligise!
I agree that yes it is burn out as well, i shouldnt kid myself there, many times ive felt burnt out, a healthier lifestyle and sticking to a routine helps bring this around less often but i cant rid of it completely.
""Both your blogs though show this constant craving and constant allusion to failure - but only failure compared to self-imposed targets. You both seem to want to prove something - more to yourself than anyone else.""
interesting point, id like to say as i have to be self motivated its possibly a part of that, i have to set myself targets and i have to be critical of myself sometimes and praise myself.
Being a pro poker player is im not sure how to put it, its a strange thing in a lot of ways, its impossible not to be detatched from reality, i mean it is fantastic in so many ways and i wouldnt change it for the world but the highs and lows are really tough to deal with, the highs never seem to feel as good, compared to how bad the lows feel.
Its like a gambler, when you lose your gutted, when you win you think i should have put more on!
I read back at an earlier post i made, i read out i made £85 000 and then said "not good enough" that is a bit stupid of me, because what was not good enough was how i approached the year and how i became a degen at the blackjack table, sure i was a little disappointed with the total amount anyway but i hope it was the former which shook me the most.
I digress a lot and go off on tangents so ive lost myself a bit here
"Your final sentence is more worrying. To do what you do takes a lot, you're clearly no duck egg, clearly highly motivated, razor sharp, expressive and literate. So, why the misery !"
Again i should think about what im saying here, growing up and before poker ive always been a bit of a wierd kid (although i suppose everyone thinks they are wierd) but more to the point emotional and sensative, i have very big mood swings, just a massive sissy really!
So sometimes i embelish too much
that should say i would be more miserable doing anything else, i would always get down about myself from time to time because thats how it has been through my life but poker is the best thing i could be doing.
Overall i am happy, i am happy with how things are right now.
Thanks for the kind words at the end too.
To havin a laff:
First id like to say thanks for sticking with the blog, i remember you had a clear out where you got rid of some blogs you were following, nice to know you stuck with mine even though i give very little insight into anything but my results and whats going through my head
Truth be told ask any of my poker mates i am the worst at explaining anything, what to do in what spots, or why i do things in certain spots, my friend ste always has a go at me for this! Its also why i say im terrible at theory, im not being cool when i say i dont need videos or to study the game it just isnt the way i approach playing
There will be better players with better winrates than me but i can really do the volume and i can 16 table and play well which is something im proud of.
Again im going off on a different tangent!
Your first paragraph helps keem me grounded because it is very true. I really am blessed with this and tbh sometimes i do get scared it will go and thats the downs when ive been on a downswing in the past and i think "omg what if i go busto, what if i cant win?" how much that scares me shows how much i want to carry on.
Yes i am dreaming big, i feel atm my ambition is as high as ever and this time im equipped to fulfill it, maybe not fully this year but i want to be on my way.
Hi havin_a_laff, you've hit on a very important point with the freedom net poker provides. I tend to use if I want to buy something - doesn't work out every time, but I've been known to pick up a few quid to cover this and that. I also like the potential of freedom to roam, a poker pro can play anywhere where access to the internet rooms is available, anywhere in the world ! £100 a day in a place where it costs £10 a day to live is a huge wage!
One thing I want to do is go around the world soley on poker, take a £1,000 roll and return with that £1,000, if it went well - the trip could take years, perhaps it would never end :) !!!
I think your view of working for someone else is a bit grim and perhaps highlights a bad experience. As with anything other than death, its a free choice and no-one is forced to work in a situation that makes them unhappy. You can argue that you need to work to pay the bills, but ultimately - its inertia that keeps someone is a place they don't want to be. John Lydon makes that point perfectly in one of his butter adverts, despite his comic delivery - it's true, it's your career choice.
I certainly agree that poker can provide a safety net but Goatian also makes a good point about confidence. From what I read, a lot of the top bricks and mortar players have gone broke before reaching the million-dollar heights. Poker differs from normal jobs in that what you have already earned is at risk. My work this week has no impact on my earnings from last week. I have a poker bankroll, but I see it as a savings account more than anything else, albeit with an emotional rollercoaster attached hahaha. The truth is a bankroll can be lost to chance or crossing paths with a better player. But, if you are statistically better than most and recognise a bad situation losses can be minimised and you will stay on top. Clarky makes an excellant point in his post about indifference, playing like a cold statistical machine. I think he's correct but as stakes increase, it gets more and more difficult to cut out emotion, unlike a stock market trader - you're using your own money, perhaps your own security if, or when, your roll get swiped. Harrington shows how easy it is to lose a 100bb buy-in in a single hand in his books. Scary !!!!!
ive been called a fews thing in my time but boring aint one of em . im going to talk about myself here(shocker) on someone elses blog which vindicates your comments but whats wrong with being self absorbed on you own blog. its a blog which i use selfishly to motivate myself to work hard at a profession that im very very lucky to do. Also its not fair to critique someones personality based on their work diary, which is what our blogs are. Is your work diary boring and self absorbed, of course it is.
sounds like your a bit bitter and jealous tbh, but if im boring you then dont read it. simple
gl with those goals goat man. oh and im not goatoncrack btw ;0
Hi Clarky, and Hi Goat, seems I started a chat on your blog . . . how ill-mannered.
Yeh, i apologised for the diss'in nature of the post - sadly, it's difficult to come across as genuine in text only. And I conceded Goat's point that blogs are essentially about self-absorbtion. Fair play.
I like both your blogs, i find you both incredible for a) doing what you do and being so unassuming about it, and b) you both share stuff with others like HM data, and the baseline is that I've profitted from it.
I don't have a work "diary", i don't really need one. I guess it's the world we live in these days, people feel the need to pour their hearts out in text for all to see. Did I notice you posted a picture of the interior of your car in your blog . . . forgive me, but that's a symptom of something amiss. That may sound harsh, but really - think about the concept.
You do sound miserable though, well i read it that way. But it seems to be the nature of the beast, Goatian sounds the same. My post on Goat's blog was really highlighting me not understanding why. You both have money and freedom, no particular ties that I can see yet there is this constant striving to get more.
It may have sounded bitter and jealous, but no, that isn't the case. I couldn't do your job, obviously because I'm nowhere near skilled enough, but also because I have a job that makes me incredibly happy and brings me into contact with some incredible people, and there are satisfying achievements at the end of the day - in other words, it's no grind. I'd prefer your salary obviously, I'd be a fool to deny that - but I wouldn't swap places for it.
But I think you would, and that's what i read from the blogs.
ah i get it, your the smiling assassin. nice attempt at disguising your envy but it came through again im afraid
"oh im sorry for the nature of my post, im sorry for dissing you behind your back, i didnt mean it but btw you posted a piccy of your poker car on your blog you self obsessed wanker."
love and kisses LP
fwiw congrats on the only negative comments ive had in 2 years of blogging, most people that read our blogs are fellow grinders so they have empathy with what we do. you come across to me as a bitter and jealous play money player, so ill let you get on with it m8
Ummm. Again Clarky,your reply shows quite a negative outlook. For the sake of argument, we'll go with the jealous, twisted, hate monster theme. Not really sure how it changes the comments, but whatever. I'm so green, people are feeding me baby bio by the gallon.
Showing a pic of your cars interior did make me think. In the real world, you just wouldn't do it would you? Imagine going to the pub or work with that pic and showing it around, you got to admit people would think you're a bit weird.
But in the blog-world - it's acceptable, it's kinda what people do.
Your post shows another thing, you've ignored the positive stuff I've said about Goatian, Havin_a_laff and yourself, preferring to have a hissy at comments you perceive to be darker. The initial post clearly shows concern for Goat, as intended.
The words "self-obsessed wanker" are yours - yet the comment was about blogging - not you!
Seems to me you just punched someone without really thinking too much about why.
So in closing, you seem far too touchy and sensitive for "real" discussion so I'll let you get on with it m8.
Goat, this is my last comment on your blog in this thread.
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